You love your partner, child, parent deeply. You may feel as if you’re the cause of their drug and alcohol abuse. There are multiple reasons as to why they use. You may or may not know why they damage themselves the way they do.
Have you found yourself doing the following:
“I’ll make sure I don’t upset him tonight.”
You know this as the egg shell walk. You don’t want to be the reason your loved one goes off the deep end. You make all efforts not to cause him to have a drink. What happens? He get drunk anyways because there is usually a reason, you’re just not it tonight. But you did everything in your power not to cause their drinking or drugging. It’s the damned if you do damned if you don’t cycle. It’s frustrating, confusing, saddening and angering.
“I’ll try to understand everything I can about addiction.”
You try to understand the biochemistry of addiction, read up on alternative diets, supplements, take her to rehabs, drive her to AA meetings, make sure she goes to AA meetings, find her a therapist and go to her sessions to talk about her, get her to go to rehab again, and this can go on and on. All of your energy is going towards your loved one and fighting their addiction. Meanwhile, your needs and wants aren’t met and your sanity is slipping. It can also act as a shield to avoid your own issues.
The Passive-Aggressive Game:
Now you’re angry and hurt. You lash out in either obvious or passive ways to take back control. Maybe you overspend, have extramarital and emotional affairs with someone who understands, take secret pleasure in their suffering, talk to everyone but your partner about what’s happening. Maybe it’s reached the point to where you stop caring. You’re letting everyone know everything is OK because the embarrassment and shame of living like that is too painful to say aloud. You’re tired, numb and have exhausted all options.
The I Can Fix Him or Her Syndrome:
In another sense, maybe you’ve left relationships with addicted and truly awful partners in the past. Yet after all the hurt, pain and frustration you continue to get involved with trainwrecks. This is a destructive pattern to where you find yourself back in the same trap reliving the same type of scenarios you swore to never do again. It’s much like a sorrowful addict coming off a bender. You swore off abusive and addicted partners yet you’re right back in it. It sounds horrible reading but it’s difficult to see when you’re in it. Much like an addict’s bender and relapse it just happens and you’re left grappling with the consequences.
Do you want to gain your sanity and self-esteem back? I can help you have healthy communication, set boundaries, recognize faulty patterns and break these cycles. Contact me for a free and confidential consultation.
Martin Psychotherapy Services, PLLC 